A good essay, in order to prove a point and make this point convincing enough to persuade readers, should have the key elements of sound arguments backed up by grammar, structure, and organization. This essay falls short in this regard on several aspects. Though the author had some nice ideas, the inability to deliver these effectively and correctly was the main concern.
For one, the introduction needs to be strong and enticing enough to captivate readers and make them read from start to finish. The essay lacked the interesting words that would attract readers as the opening statement was weak. From the first paragraph up to the final, there were numerous grammar lapses such as subject-verb agreements (school continue in the last sentence of 2nd paragraph and school need in 1st sentence of 4th paragraph), incorrect use of pronouns (use of them in 3rd sentence of 3rd paragraph and which in the last sentence of the same paragraph), word omission (done the college in the 1st sentence of 3rd paragraph), and wrong choice of words (we have the responsibly in 1st sentence of 3rd paragraph). The author also used contractions such as it’s and don’t, which are inappropriate in academic writing. Moreover, there were also several run-on sentences (2nd sentence of 1st paragraph) and incomplete ideas, which when fixed could have made strong points. The author also had problems with parallelism (last sentence of 1st paragraph). In addition, punctuation marks such as the use of apostrophe, comma, quotation mark and exclamation point were a problem.
Nonetheless, the author had some good ideas in the paragraphs and was effective in using transitions. The thesis was also present and the conclusion left an important message. However, because of the inability to back all these up by proper grammar, structure, and organization, the essay was not strong and effective enough. Hence, the author needs to double check his essay first by editing and proofreading.