It had been going on for years, ‘The Outings,’ well that’s what their mother used to call them when I used to see my sisters carted off into different stranger’s cars. From a young age she had been taught how she was to perform and to the standard she had to exceed. She had seen her sisters go through the same thing and as she was the youngest she only knew too well what was expected. Her first time came and she was nervous. It was only natural, but Caryn had a hard time concealing it. Her hands were clammy and no matter how much water she drank, her throat still stayed dry.
Ever since their father had died when Caryn was only three, the way to survive was this. She had just had her 14th birthday the week before. That meant D-day had come and it was now her time to shine. She knew that preparation was the key to success. Her mother came in her room and asked her to sit on the dressing room table, so she could teach the basics. Caryn stared at the same spot on her mother’s chin so she wouldn’t have to make eye contact, it was too shameful. For Caryn, any mother capable of doing this to her child was no mother. ‘Today’s your day of giving back to the family and proving your love for us.
If you really loved us you’d only be too happy for this opportunity to help your dear mother and your sisters. Your sisters and I have slaved the past years to put food in your mouth and clothes on your back. You understand that don’t you? ‘ It took a while for her to take in what was being said. It was like her mouth was moving, but no sound was coming out. Then the same question was asked, only louder, ‘YOU UNDERSTAND, DON’T YOU? ‘ Stunned by how long it took her to answer her mother waiting Caryn replied, ‘Yes,’ in a sheepish voice whilst looking away. To her there were no questioned raised, so no answers were given.
Caryn finished applying her red lipstick and black eyeliner that her mother had given her to wear from her sister’s collection and went to her mother’s bedroom where her clothes were put. Somehow, the smothered make-up didn’t add years onto her complexion, she just looked lost. She looked at the short black skirt she had to wear. When she tired it on the rim of the skirt hardly covered her knickers and clung rebelliously to her thighs. The black top hung loosely on her flat chest. She went to the mirror and stood there staring, she looked even more out of place and vulnerable than she did before.
Caryn experimented by tying her limp, thinning blonde hair into a bun. Nothing she could do could make her look ready; maybe this was a way of showing it. As nine o’ clock was approaching, a horn beeping arose her form her seat. Her mother walked in the living room and stated, ‘That will be for you. And remember why you’re going. ‘ Caryn glared at her mother, unsure of what the next hour or so would be like. Her sisters looked at her with the eye contact held for slightly longer than usual, as a way of saying I know what its like. Take care. Her mother’s words didn’t sink in, but her feet started walking by themselves.
She reached the white car that had the broken light at the front and a smashed windscreen at the back. The door was opened for her from the inside and a man’s voice shouted, ‘Get in! ‘ Caryn was reluctant and she turned her head to see her house, her home. The place where her childhood and youth was stored, but she knew she couldn’t go back inside. She sat in the car and closed the door. The stench coming from the car hit her first and when she sat down she realised the cheap seating material itched her bare legs, but she didn’t dare mention it.
The man’s stubby finger pressed the button for the radio, or what was left of the radio. All the buttons had popped out and had to be pressed hard to get them to respond. The station that came on played fast dance music that made Caryn’s heart beat faster as well. The man turned the volume of the music up so that car’s windows and seats began to shake. Along with this, Caryn’s hands also began to tremble. Caryn sat uncomfortably in the car, still conscious of her naked flesh being exposed to the vulgar man sitting next to her. A hand came out of nowhere and stroked her face.
The rough hands contrasted to Caryn’s youthful face, Caryn clammed up as he touched her. Sensing this the man turned to the steering wheel of the car and shouted loud enough to be heard over the music, ‘It will only be ten minutes,’ whilst starting the engine. Caryn looked out window and before she knew they were in a deserted car park. This was the place it would happen. Her fist time and there was nothing she could do to stop it. It was only fair that she had to do her share for the house to how her love. Caryn looked at the man for the first time during their car journey.
She saw an old man with grey hair and a face suffocated with lines, but before she could stuffy him properly, she quickly turned away, before he caught her looking. He turned to face her and made a sudden grab for her thighs, squeezed them and smiled. Caryn shuddered as she felt his hand. She sat completely still, like a statue, whilst he took advantage of her. He was kissing her neck and face. He was taking his shirt off, still not ungluing his lips from her neck. He started taking her top off. She let it happen. He unzipped her skirt. She let it happen.
He took his trousers down and began piling his heavy body weight on top of her frail body. She let it happen. She never stopped anything, not even when he was causing her pain. Her mind was focused on why it was happening because all her sisters had gone through it to help her, so its only fair she had to as well. The music also helped her divert the attention off what was happening to her. The fast rhythm of the song helped her created a pattern in her mind that she kept repeating again and again. About ten minutes later it was over and he put his clothes back on to begin driving Caryn home.
She came to her road and then only realised she had been sitting naked. She had been too busy blocking her thoughts that she became oblivious. As soon as they reached Caryn’s door the man handed her two twenty pound notes and told her to get out. As soon as Caryn got through the door she thrust the money she earnt into her mother’s eager and waiting hands. Without looking at anyone Caryn rushed to the bathroom to purge. She couldn’t believe she let that happen. She went in the medicine cupboard and grabbed the nearest bottle of pills she could find and rushed to her bedroom so no one would see her.
She sat at the dressing table staring at the teddy bears in front of her; all her youth and innocence had been stripped off, for what? 40 pound? She stared at her self, hardly recognising the stranger in front of her. She flung herself on her bed and broke down. She cried and screamed into her pillow, to get rid of all the images, feelings, and smells that clung in her mind. Why did her mother send her… just for her daughter to be abused like that? She kind of knew what she was expecting, as she had overheard her sisters talking several times.
She thought it would be bad and had slowly accepted the fact that it was going to happen. She had even begun to think it was normal and give some sort of justification to why it would happen. She would pretend all the other girls had to go through the same thing, a sort of test to prove their love for their families, but she had never expected it to turn out like it did. The overburdening body weight on top of her, the sweating and panting. She couldn’t get the flashbacks out of her mind. The feelings of his hand, touching her. Kissing her.
Over and Over again, like there would be no end. She hated herself, how could she let him do what he did to her? It was all her fault, it always was. With all these feelings not leaving her mind Caryn picked up the bottle, took a handful of pills and stared at them. Sitting on the bed with tears streaming down her face she knew this was the ONLY way out. She forced the pills down her throat with a gulp of water and fell backwards. She was helpless, as she knew this was the only way to get rid of all that guilt she felt and to go to a peaceful place, where only angels existed.